Fortunately, most people do not hold
these attitudes today. Most recognize that maintaining a satisfying marriage
is neither that easy nor that common. Even the government is interested
in warding off divorce and making it harder for people to end unsatisfying
marriages. Although the family is our basic hope for instilling values
for social living, research has shown that parental conflict is a
major factor in adolescent acting out, and in antisocial social behavior
in general. Staying together "for the children" is not likely to accomplish
the desired end when marital strife is present.
In view of the very large proportion of marriages
that end in divorce, one must wonder "what has gone wrong?" Further, there
are literally thousands of people offering numerous forms of marital counseling
and therapy as a way to impact the divorce rate. How does one find their
way through this literal jungle of services and service providers? (See
Choosing
a Therapist for a listing of professional services.)
Some people have married the wrong person for
the wrong reasons. Unless things have markedly changed --for example, partners
have become different people-- it is unlikely that these original arrangements
will work out. Fatalistic, perhaps, but also realistic.
Which brings up an all important question: shouldn't
every marital therapist be dedicated to saving the marriage at all costs?
I am afraid no professional can, nor should, give that assurance, even
though they personally hold that view. Simply put, divorce or separation
may be the outcome of any therapist's best effort otherwise to sustain
the marriage. At times there are substantial pressures on the couples to
stay married; pressures brought to bear by the church or family tradition.
Therapists are ill advised to join with one side or another.
In my practice I favor using relationship
assessment tests that have an excellent empirical track record. These tests
help the couples and me decide on the appropriateness and type and length
of therapy. No, these are not the usual self-report measures one finds
in Sunday supplements. These tests are based on use in numerous research
studies and provide an excellent description of the status of a relationship.
Sometime the pattern of test results will be at odds with what the couple
has said in interviews: in session things may look very dark, but the tests
tell a different story.
In part, assessment is how I approach any problem.
I cannot offer a treatment plan without a road map.
What is the basis of "marital adjustment" (how
spouses accommodate to one another)? There are some clearly defined
dimensions. One is personality. Research has shown that people
who are basically irritable, anxious, and who have over-responsive nervous
systems (i.e., are emotionally labile) tend not have highly satisfying
relationships. Similarly, people who are primarily focused on themselves
are unlikely to be good candidates for change. So, who you are before marriage
will have a good deal to do with how you develop an intimate relationship.
Having said that, I hasten to note that some emotional
problems, depression for example, are quite workable within the the context
of marital therapy. Again, studies have shown that marital distress can
lead to depression, but by treating the marital distress we can impact
the depression.
Finally, by personality people often refer to
the "baggage" each person brings to the marriage. "Baggage" is a negative
descriptive term used to pin blame on the other person: the other
person's baggage is clearly bad! When frustrated by a spouse we tend to
resort to behaviors that cause relationship problems. At the base of these
frustrations are the kinds of expectations we hold about
relationships and our own in particular. The frustrations arise out of
unconfirmed expectations. Expectations in turn come from beliefs
and standards of what we consider to be "right."
Another aspect of martial adjustment is defined
by skills, or lack thereof a couple has available to them;
skills in family living are like a resource. One of the biggest developments
in the marital therapy area has been the definition of marital skillfulness,
which include communication, emotional expression, conflict reduction,
and problem solving. I work with couples to build these skills.
One place where lack of skills show up clearly
is with step-families. Before jumping to making personality changes (!)
it is best to view problems in step-families as problems of accommodation
to multiple forces. It is not unlike the negotiations that take place between
nations. As with nations, it is easy to step on feelings of security
and issues of power may loom large. Marriages that create blended
families can draw on their prior relationship experience and are therefore
sometimes quite realistic as to options. This practical focus often makes
skills training an attractive option.
Can You
Change My Spouse?
Spouses can teach each other to be their worst
enemies. Mostly out of desperation they use coercive methods to bring about
change. (Coercion means that I try to get something of value from you at
no cost to me.) Therefore, typically it is the other person who needs to
change. One approach to couples' problems emphasizes "acceptance and change,"
rather than just change. Helping people back off from strongly held positions,
being able to see that their spouse is also vulnerable appears
to be a very promising approach supported by research.
But to answer the question more directly ("For
whom is marital therapy advisable?") I suggest two major approaches
toward an answer:
1. " Should we stay together?"
This question can be answered through assessment and interviews. If the
evidence is overwhelming against a relationship, you need to know that.
Some folks are willing to stay in the relationship at all costs, and indeed
that is their option. But, the difficulties a couple may have had necessitate
a rational answer to the "should we stay together" question. My role is
to provide information and help spouses untangle their ambivalence, but
not to decide for them.
2. "Please make it better!"
No one can force a relationship on anyone else. However, when both partners
see a need for help the prospects that "help" will be effective are much
greater. Typically it is one member who seeks help for the relationship.
Things may have become so polarized that admitting the need for help is
seen as "giving in" to the other. Marital therapy works best when both
partners recognize they are not getting the relationship they bargained
for.
"What if my partner absolutely refuses to
change?" One only has a fixed number of choices:
-
Do nothing and remain in the relationship
-
Keep working on changing that person
-
Enlist the help of someone else to get that person
to change
-
Find a way to change your own reaction to the problem
your partner presents
-
Leave the relationship
The first two options are not going
to work. Options three and four are really the only "new" options, and
option four is probably the best place to start. (Clearly, if you
are in an abusive relationship there is no way you should work on accepting
it!) But short of physical or psychological abuse, one can determine whether
the battle to change the other person is worth the effort. Maybe changing
how one responds to the other is a better course of action.
In my practice, marital therapy involves
initial joint and individual sessions, and a fairly active assessment phase,
in which the spouses do their homework and use take-home practice exercises.
Based on these sources of information I will develop a plan for the couple
to consider that encompasses their relationship goals. From there we work
toward those goals, taking stock as we go along. Both spouses are heavily
involved in what we plan and what we do.
You may wish to see what the AAMFT code
of ethics prescribes for Clinical Members: Ethics
Links to Marital
& Family Sources:
