Pre-Marital
Counseling
Pre-marital counseling is an area of research
that has blossomed within the past decade or so. Although such counseling
has been available in many forms almost forever, largely through churches,
educators, and sex counselors, psychologists have only recently become
heavily involved both in researching and in providing these services. My
familiarity with this field derives in part from my acquaintance with colleagues
who have actively developed these research programs.
I believe that couples are faced with two
issues pre-maritally: "Have I made the right choice?" and "Can we learn
whatever is necessary to prevent divorce?" From my point of view, the issue
is whether information imparted premaritally can continue to ensure
a happy married life. What skills are necessary to ward off divorce? Are
there attitudinal changes that ensure happiness? How can we teach people
to cope with unseen turmoil? Realizing that there is not yet a single inoculation
that can be given to ward off all of these problems, what can people expect
that might help them?
Conflict is inevitable. No couple will
be free from conflict. What makes the difference is how couples deal
with emotional conflict. The evidence is very clear: there are known
behaviors that predict to either favorable or unfavorable marital outcomes.
Quite simply, during attempts at problem solving, negativity, withdrawal,
and denial are bad signs for relationships some 5 years into marriage.
That is, when these behaviors are observed pre-maritally (presumably when
partners are happy!) they turn out to be predictors of marital distress
and divorce 5 years later. Even among newly married couples, how they deal
with conflict is related to their immune system functions. Bottom line:
unproductive conflict reduces your ability to ward off disease. You can't
get more basic than that!
Since everyone starts out highly optimistic,
if not also a bit anxious, how then do we go astray? Clearly good
intentions are not as significant as we might hope. Howard Markman has
developed an approach called Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program
(PREP®), which has been operating for over 20 years. It is arguably
the best researched of any pre-marital offering, and has been applied in
Europe as well as here. At UCLA, Professor Tom Bradbury is studying newlyweds
and has also generated a number of facts relevant to marital stability
(see UCLA link below).
Many of the features of the PREP® approach
have have been part of what cognitive behavioral marital therapists have
used since the early 1970's. I offer services to pre-marrieds that also
are largely psychoeducational and skills oriented. My motto is:
" Pre-marrieds spoken here."
